Today I sat down and thought of 10 words I would use to describe myself. This exercise was a real eye-opener in how my doubts and negative thought reflect on the way I view myself.
Worn, Scarred, Fat, Weak, Tired, Lost, Forgetful, Judged, Kind, Appreciated
The only good thing I saw in myself is kindness, but I can be just as judgmental to those who have hurt me. If it weren’t for my loving husband and the adoration of my children, I probably would never feel appreciated.
I sat here thinking, “I don’t want to be this person. Most of the time I feel like I’m happy, do I not smile enough? How am I all of these terrible, negative things? ”
And then it hits me, “You are NOT all of these things.”
Looking back on the last 5 years, I often wonder how I came from this healthy mom with a high self-esteem
to this unfit, negative version of myself that’s over 60 lbs heavier.
Did I not see it coming? Surely I noticed my pants were becoming snug and my clothing size was changing, but why didn’t I do anything? It didn’t seem like much change at all when I only gained 10 little pounds that first year. But why didn’t I do something when I gained another 10 pounds the year after that? Or when it became a vicious cycle year after year? The answer to that is one I’ll never know. However, I do know that I can continue “wanting” to change it or I can just get off my ass and do something to change it. Ugh! The thought of that actually makes me tired already. It’s going to take encouragement. It’s going to take will power. It’s going to take a lot of positive thought and love for myself.
Love for myself . . . Let’s start over with those words, shall we?
Kind, Appreciated, Loving, Beautiful, Talented, Creative, Positive, Happy, Forgiving, Thankful
What I say and think about myself directly affects who and what I am. Focusing on negativity is going to keep me down this same path, in this rut of self loathing and personal insecurity. I not only want to go back to that happy, healthy, loving person I was, I am going to get there. I know I may stumble along the way, but I CAN do this. I WILL do this. For me.
And to better myself and my health I’m going to cut out soda. I’m starting to cry inside, honestly. Living in a small rural town with unfavorable water conditions, I grew up drinking nothing but Kool-aid and soda. I’ve always been addicted to it. I can only think of four times in my life when I wasn’t– all three of my pregnancies and during the time of my happy, healthy self shown above. I tried to quit this addiction not too long ago and ended the 9th day with a big, cold, refreshing, fizzy bottle of Coke. Now I’ve got Ibuprofen in my corner for withdrawal headaches and I’m going to make it longer than 9 days. That’s what I keep telling myself. Any encouragement to do so is appreciated!
So today starts affirmation and elimination.
Affirmation: I am kind, appreciated, loving, beautiful, talented, creative, positive, happy, forgiving, and thankful.
Elimination: Getting rid of my addiction to the one thing that consumes me: Cola.